The Inconvenient Truth
So I might have mentioned that TJ has to attend a conference in Korea in the fall. In fact he has quite a few conferences to attend each year, often in foreign lands. What I would like to do is go with him, just for the opportunity to travel with purpose. It might be a little dilettanty to go with him and then wander the streets while he gives his talks, but it sounds quite sublime. Still, I can't typically go at all, ever. Because I have a regular work-a-day job and am always in the red as far as vacation time. He'll probably be going to Barcelona in January. Damn, I'm jealous.
The other day, we're eating dinner and he says to me, "Hey did you know Tokyo's only a two-hour flight from Seoul? I was thinking to extend my trip an extra week and go bum around Japan."
Me: "Oh. An extra week? By yourself?"
Him: "Well, yeh, I think so. I mean, I haven't decided yet, just bouncing it around."
Me: "I need to determine how I feel about this. Please hold."
So that was the last we really spoke about it and I have been keeping him on hold while I figure out my stance. The gut reaction at first was that I was jealous and felt that it was mean of him to extend his trip a week, without me. There are several nuances... I mean, I know he's not purposely trying to rub it in my face that he has a more flexible schedule than I. And I know that I would want the freedom to go somewhere without him, too -- just because we're married doesn't mean we have to do everything together. But somehow I suspect that after a week in Korea he will be actually rather ready to come home, rather than go run around Japan alone.
As for me, I will be lonely the first night or two, and then I'll call up Courtney and we'll have a knitting evening or something. Then I will go play softball with the work people, and then things will start to get normal without him around. I will get used to taking my fair share of dog-walking duties, and it will be fine. So it can't possibly be about me feeling abandoned or lonely.
I think what it's really about is not wanting him to be so willing to live without ME. Am I that emotionally needy? Maybe. Pay attention to me! No, really, pay attention. I'm wearing a pretty dress!
Bottom line: I legitimately would prefer that he be unwilling to extend one week without Dubin into two. And that's sort of juvenile, but also who I am and have always been and it's the truth, however inconvenient.
The thing about blogs is that you can practice psychoanalyzing yourself and get the judges reactions. I am going to bring it up again with him tonight. In the meantime, please feel free to weigh in.
The other day, we're eating dinner and he says to me, "Hey did you know Tokyo's only a two-hour flight from Seoul? I was thinking to extend my trip an extra week and go bum around Japan."
Me: "Oh. An extra week? By yourself?"
Him: "Well, yeh, I think so. I mean, I haven't decided yet, just bouncing it around."
Me: "I need to determine how I feel about this. Please hold."
So that was the last we really spoke about it and I have been keeping him on hold while I figure out my stance. The gut reaction at first was that I was jealous and felt that it was mean of him to extend his trip a week, without me. There are several nuances... I mean, I know he's not purposely trying to rub it in my face that he has a more flexible schedule than I. And I know that I would want the freedom to go somewhere without him, too -- just because we're married doesn't mean we have to do everything together. But somehow I suspect that after a week in Korea he will be actually rather ready to come home, rather than go run around Japan alone.
As for me, I will be lonely the first night or two, and then I'll call up Courtney and we'll have a knitting evening or something. Then I will go play softball with the work people, and then things will start to get normal without him around. I will get used to taking my fair share of dog-walking duties, and it will be fine. So it can't possibly be about me feeling abandoned or lonely.
I think what it's really about is not wanting him to be so willing to live without ME. Am I that emotionally needy? Maybe. Pay attention to me! No, really, pay attention. I'm wearing a pretty dress!
Bottom line: I legitimately would prefer that he be unwilling to extend one week without Dubin into two. And that's sort of juvenile, but also who I am and have always been and it's the truth, however inconvenient.
The thing about blogs is that you can practice psychoanalyzing yourself and get the judges reactions. I am going to bring it up again with him tonight. In the meantime, please feel free to weigh in.
posted by Dubin at 1:30 PM
2 Comments:
A random reaction:
Preferring that he wouldn't want to go without you isn't at all the same as thinking that the world will be a better place after you ask him not to go.
My gut reaction is that you might want to tell him how you feel, but that you also don't think those feelings justify asking him not to go, because what you really want: that he wouldn't have wanted to go isn't one of the choices.
Telnar
Go to Korea! I mean, you can't go everywhere, but you can go to Korea.
I followed Noah on a business trip to Cape Town. It is a totally normal thing to do if you can afford the plane ticket.
That doesn't help with the big truth, which is that we are all secretly totally needy despite our radical feminist claims to independence.
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